Few Liners

Few-Liners ©

“I wrote myself a list of things I need to do, but now I can’t find it.”

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“I breathed in through my nose so deeply while sleeping last night that I inhaled my pillowcase into my left nostril.”

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“I am not allowed to leave my mother’s house without bringing something home. It’s like a law, or something. Today I brought home a pound of  bologna, and a bag of frozen meatballs. Score!”

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“Why are Sensodyne toothpaste commercials filmed on an angle? As if sensitive teeth aren’t bad enough, are the advertisers trying to give us vertigo, too?”

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“A friend told me, ‘When my kids are happy, I’m out of therapy.’”

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“Another friend told me, as I stammered to find the correct word to use in a sentence while speaking with her, ‘It takes a village to complete a thought.’”

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“I’ve been trying to write a  book for so long, maybe I should just write a book about trying to write a book.”

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“Do birds sneeze?”

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“I’m sure there are exceptions, but I’ve never seen a man who can figure out how to use salad tongs.”

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“One night Richard walked into the kitchen and, upon seeing me trying to tend to most of our cooking vessels, asked me what I was making for dinner. I replied, ‘Coq a vin.’ He asked, ‘In French does that mean using every pot and pan in the kitchen?’”

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“Slept in, read tweets, giggled, got out of bed at 9:00 A.M. Feel great! Why does being lazy one morning make me feel like I’m doing ‘the walk of shame’ in my own house, even though I’ve never even done one before?”

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“If you read a daily reader, what do you do when it’s not a leap year?”

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“I recently overheard someone say, ‘Holy shitsnacks!’ It is now my new favorite phrase.”
“Cutting down the invasive Buckthorns in our backyard has been very cathartic for me during this summer’s Recent Unpleasantries, but I felt I needed more than my little garden clippers. I asked Richard, ‘Do we have an ax?’ He responded, ‘No, we have landscapers.’”

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“My mother and I were talking on the phone about not feeling like we can make small talk and therefore don’t even want to go to the grocery store for fear of bumping into someone we know, after recent tragic events. She said, ‘I just want to be anonymous.’ I said, ‘You want to be a Nun?’ She asked if I was wearing my hearing aids. I answered, ‘No, Mother Superior, I am not.’”

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“I Googled French Lick, Indiana, and several choices popped up, including, ‘How to lick your lick lick.’ I decided I didn’t really need to know about French Lick, and read my e mails instead.”

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“What has the world come to when a man can stand in the parking lot of the post office on a busy street talking on his cell phone with one hand while freely scratching his gonadal-region for all to see with the other hand? I mean really, do I need to see that at 9:00 in the morning? However, if it was meant to be performance art, I applaud you, Sir.”

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“Veronica said, ‘Mom! Mom! Mom! Guess what happened!’ I said, ‘Veronica, you’re 24 years old. A lot of things have happened.”

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“I used to love improvising at the end of modern dance class at the Carol Walker School of Dance. Carol would dim the lights, give us scarves, play groovy music, and sometimes suggest things for us to be. I think my hearing problem had already begun way back then because I remember one class in particular when Carol suggested we become a snake. I heard steak. I thought that was quite an interesting choice and a great challenge, so I did an interpretive dance of being butchered. I finished in a heap on the floor as a half-carved carcass. When I saw everyone else slithering on the floor, I figured it out and began to slither, too. If Carol saw me, she either thought I was being brilliantly creative, or a complete idiot.”

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“What exactly does the Supreme Court do? Anytime I see a picture, the judges are just sitting and posing for a portrait.”

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“If you drop an antibiotic on the floor doesn’t that just negate the 5 second rule?”

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“There’s been a change in the universe! I eat red meat and Richard has become a ‘dog person!’” 

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“I spent so little on groceries today Richard is going to think someone else is using my credit card.”

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“If you bring your cell phone into the bathroom and someone tries to video chat with you and you text him back to tell him that you’re ‘busy’ at the moment, will he still be able to see you?”

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“Come on. Admit it. You play games on your cell phone when you’re in the bathroom, too.”

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“If you play the game Word Warp on your cell phone while sitting in a public bathroom stall, be sure to turn the sound off. If you don’t, and you happen to unscramble a word correctly, it will sound as though you’ve eaten and are currently eliminating a cartoon character.”

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“I was late to a meeting because I was watching a video about procrastinating.”

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“The sound of a vacuum cleaner is an aphrodisiac to Richard.”

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“Richard finally relented and said we could ‘just look’ for a new friend for our dog Phoebe after Ava went to puppy heaven. He was adamant that we look at a dog ONLY IF it was smaller than Phoebe, not a puppy, and a non-shedding ‘poo’ or ‘doodle’-mix because he was tired of finding furbleweeds of hair in his shoes. At a PAWS Chicago event a docile, 55-pound, eight-month-old, Collie, Lab, Newfoundland mix with long, wavy black hair walked up to Richard and threw up at his feet. Richard felt sorry for him and fell in love at first hurl. He named him Dr. Rajesh Ramayan ‘Raj’ Koothrappali Korengold. Phoebe humps his face. All is good again.”

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“Did Richard really actually pick out a puppy? To bring home with us? Yep! I just saw a pig fly. Oh, and there goes another one!”

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“Richard never even wanted our first dog, Frank, but he is so in love with our 5th dog, Raj, that he texted me while I was grocery shopping, ‘Be really quiet when you come home because I’m resting with the puppies and I don’t want you to disturb them.’ All I could think was, ‘Who are you and what have you done with my husband?’”

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“As we put the crate together for Raj — that we ended up using to store dog toys, much like we used our old treadmill as a drying rack – Richard said, ‘The instructions say we’re supposed to put an interactive toy in the crate. What do they mean? A Game boy?’”

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“One of the funniest things about new puppies is that they don’t know where to go or what to do when someone rings the doorbell.”

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“I’m not sure if it scares him or if he thinks it’s talking to him, but Raj hears the coffee maker automatically switch on at 5:45 A.M. and barks back at it.”

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“I have been known to bring Gummy Bears into bed with me. (And, yes, I brush my teeth before falling asleep.) The Bears are becoming a problem, though, because Richard has found them in and under our bed, and in one of his shoes in his closet. One morning I found a red one right behind my pillow while I was making the bed. It was stuck to the wall in a standing position, looking down, parallel to the floor. It looked like an Olympic ski jumper. I can’t give them up, but I won’t bring them into our bedroom anymore. ”

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“I love to write heart-felt thank you notes to friends but my handwriting is so bad they can’t read them.”

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“When I get really angry, which isn’t that often, I have to do something that is so not ‘me’ in order to feel better; I have to get my anger out somehow. On days like that, I rebel and, instead of rinsing it out and recycling it, I brazenly throw my soy pudding cup into the garbage.”

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“Richard claims the traditional 25th wedding anniversary gift is mucous.”

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“I‘ve been told I talk too much. Maybe you hear too well.”

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‘My friend Roberta said, ‘The Cloud keeps asking me to buy more space, but I don’t think I should have to pay for freaking air!’”

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“Richard said, ‘Today is my 1/2 birthday! In seven years I can take a distribution from my IRA free of penalty!’ (Disclaimer: lesliejochase.com does not provide investment or tax advice. Please speak to your investment consultant or tax advisor.)”

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*“Richard wanted to show me how important I was to him by asking Siri, ‘Who is Leslie?’

Siri said, ‘Which Leslie?’ Looking embarrassed, Richard asked Siri, ‘Who is my wife?’

Siri said, ‘Do you want me to search the web for a wife?’

I said, ‘Yes.’”

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It just seems wrong to use Forever Stamps when sending condolence cards.

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When one’s day begins by gagging and retching merely as a result of brushing one’s teeth, one wonders what the day shall bring forth.

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I woke up at 4:04. It must have been an error.

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I just listened to a phone message from Lake Forest College:
“Hello, Leslie. This is Susie. I’m calling to remind you about your 20-year….oh, I’m sorry! I mean your 30-year reunion coming up…”
“I can’t be that old,” I said to no one in particular.
Delete.

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I wondered if the opposite of disgruntled was gruntled. According to Dictionary.com, it is. I was gruntled to learn that.

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Even with hearing aids I’ll never have what’s considered normal hearing, so I think what I hear sometimes is hilarious. For instance, recently a friend was telling me about someone and said, “Sweet as she may be, she can be tough.” I said, “Swedish she may be? Why are you talking like Yoda?”

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My biggest fear in life is leaving a public restroom with eight feet of toilet paper trailing behind me from my pants.

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I read the book The Happiness Project. It made me depressed.

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A fellow artsy-fartsy person once said, “Glitter is the Herpes of the craft world.”

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My sister, Beth, said, “Even I get on my own nerves.”

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I accidentally killed our Venus Flytrap plant because I found bugs for it and overfed it.

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Richard said, “I don’t care if the neighbors hate YOU. I care if they hate ME!” referring to the dogs barking outside early in the morning.

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Flying in an airplane is like being a flung Frisbee in a Petrie dish.

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We make a donation in exchange for a small vegetable garden plot behind a local church. One evening while watering our tomatoes we introduced ourselves to an older couple we hadn’t met before. After they slowly made their way to their plot the man said, “I’m Marvin, and I can’t see.” I replied, “I’m Leslie and I’m hearing impaired.” “Nice to meet you, Dudley,” he said.

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Around 10 minutes after being seated at a very frou-frou restaurant the manager appeared at our table and clicked his heels to get our attention. “I’m sure you’ve surmised from looking at our menu that we have quite eclectic offerings where we thoughtfully combine Spanish and Asian fare. We don’t call it ‘fusion,’” he said rather sternly. “We prefer to call it a happy collaboration.” Of course I burst out laughing which of course mortified Richard.

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“The smell of bleach is an aphrodisiac to Richard.”

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“I am not intelligent enough to use my Smartphone.”

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“Well, isn’t that a fine ‘How do you do’?” What does that even mean?

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“If God made me in His image, He must have acid reflux.”

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“Years ago Veronica and I went to the pet store to buy another goldfish for our tank. We came home with an abandoned 3-month old, 20 pound puppy we named Frank. We forgot to get the goldfish.”

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“Frank, whose pedigree must have been a mixture of black lab and horse, may he rest in peace, grew to be 120 pounds. In the car one day he kept turning around on the front seat, trying to find a comfortable spot, a difficult maneuver for a dog his size. Suddenly a booming voice came out of nowhere and asked, “Mrs. Korengold?” I replied, “God?” He replied, “No, Ma’am. This is OnStar. We received a distress signal from your vehicle.” I couldn’t figure out how that had happened until I saw Frank still spinning around trying to find a place to lie down. Embarrassed, I said, “Oh, sorry. My dog accidentally pushed the button with his butt.”

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“My everyday purse is the size of most normal people’s carry-on luggage. I recently walked into an elevator full of people and my purse accidentally pushed the “call” button. From a speaker in the elevator ceiling a man asked if everything was okay. I said, “Yes. I’m sorry, but my purse accidentally…” and then I heard a dial tone. Mr. Elevator Man had hung up on me. No one said a word. I looked down to avoid eye contact with anyone. I realized at that moment I was no more intelligent than my dog’s butt.”

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“My mother brought me to the pediatrician’s office when I was about 10 years old because I didn’t think I was hearing as well as I should. With my mother sitting next to me he closed the door of the 8’ X 10’ exam room, asked me to face away from him, cupped his hand over his mouth and softly whispered my name. I heard him, so he said I was fine.”

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“Kelly, my BFF since 6th grade is a college professor in Fort Myers, Florida and, because of Richard’s vast knowledge due to his many years of service at the Illinois Holocaust Museum and Education Center in Skokie, Kelly invited him to give a presentation during Holocaust Remembrance Week. The whole family went to Florida. We were so impressed by Richard’s lecture. Then we had the privilege of seeing Kelly teach a class. I was beaming with pride as she stood in front of the roomful of students. She began by pounding her hands on a table at the front of the lecture hall and the room fell silent as she said, ‘War. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.’ And then I ran out of the room laughing.”

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“It’s so hard to buy gifts for my parents’ birthdays and anniversary. So, I searched Google for ‘gifts for older people who don’t want or need anything and will just end up giving whatever I bought back to me anyway.’”

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My father classifies Twinkies as one of the four basic food groups. One year for his birthday I bought him a Twinkie maker. My mother promptly returned it to me and said, “Here. You’ll make them for us.”

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“My family is kind of like The Flying Wallendas of the tap dancing world, except we’re all afraid of heights and would never tap dance on a tightrope strung across The Grand Canyon.”

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“I love having a hot tub. I can’t go in it because it gives me hives, but it’s nice to look at.”

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“Richard and I were watching “Over America” on the new Blue Ray player our nephew gave us. It was comprised of beautifully shot footage of American cities filmed from an airplane with amazing clarity. But, after ten minutes we both felt seasick and had to turn it off.”

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“Years ago I couldn’t understand why the bartender at a Chinese restaurant kept winking at me. Then I realized I had been having trouble with one of my contact lenses which probably led him to believe I was winking at him. Whatever happened to customer service like that?

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“A few years ago when Lucas got his learner’s permit, Richard took him out to practice driving. Meanwhile, my mother took my father out to practice driving in order to renew his driver’s license. I thought it might be fun if they went together to take their tests, but reconsidered when I realize how much fun it wouldn’t have been if only one of them passed.”

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“While on the phone with my sister, Beth, I told her that my friend, Janie, accidentally ate a booger off her son’s shirt, thinking it was toast with jelly. Beth put down the phone and ran to the bathroom to throw up. I’m guess I shouldn’t tell her about the worms Janie’s family have living in their feet after playing beach volleyball while on a vacation in Jamaica.”

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“My parents, brother, and sister have seen every episode of Seinfeld many times. I try to watch it whenever I can so I can catch up and join in on their next Seinfeld conversation. But every time they talk about an episode it happens to be one I haven’t seen yet. That, in itself, feels like a ‘Seinfeld Moment’.”

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I told my husband and kids I had begun to write a few books. Each of them had words of encouragement:
Richard said, “Great! Now I can retire!”
Lucas said, “Cool.”
Veronica said, “Mom, you have a great opportunity here. Don’t ‘f’ it up.”

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“What is that annoying sound?” Richard asked. “It’s the sound of children laughing and playing,” his friend, Woogie, said. “Your children.”

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“Leslie, you should always have something written and ready to send,” my mother said when I began my freelance writing career in the 1980’s. “If you don’t, it would be like trying to buy something over the phone without having your credit card handy.”

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“I’m not going to name my child something like ’Brisket’ just because some celebrity named hers “’Apple.’” –-Veronica Korengold, March 2010.

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“In Vegas my friend told me I had ‘Casino Lips’ which is a condition that develops when you haven’t looked in a mirror for hours and your lip-liner has migrated above your top lip and below your lower lip leaving no lipstick left on your actual lips.”

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“Lucas came home from college for winter break and the next morning I slept until 1:00 P.M.”

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“I love using Sally Hansen leg makeup in the summer because it gives my whiter-than-white legs a long-lasting, natural-looking tan. I just have to remember to put a bra on before I apply it. Otherwise ’the girls’ end up with dark spots on their undersides because they rest on my thighs when they’re not harnessed in tightly.”

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“Having a dog is a good educational tool for teaching children about the digestive system. How many poops does it take before the dollhouse blanket moves from point A (the mouth) to point B (the poop)?”

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“Richard says I went to the ‘Glinda the Good Witch School of Dog Training’, imitating me saying, ‘Now, Ava. No biting, you silly, wittle puppy face…’”

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“I woke up in a tank top and shorts with a frizzy afro. ‘Oh my God,’ I thought to myself, ‘I’ve finally become Richard Simmons.’”

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“I got my hair cut and woke up the next morning looking like Lyle Lovett. After styling my hair for an hour I looked like Andy Warhol. This is not good.”

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“While we were in Florida to celebrate my father-in-law’s 80th birthday Richard attempted to fix his parents’ latest compilation of computer chaos. After restoring their lost AT&T home page he said, ‘for people who claim they don’t watch porn, you really know how to ‘f’-up your computer.’”

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“I needed help with punctuation so I turned to my 30-year-old handy-dandy English writing manuals. I couldn’t find what I was looking for so I attempted to use Google to search for some sort of “Punctuation for Dummies” guide, hoping to find an easy way to refresh my memory about all of the rules of punctuation that seem to have evaporated from my brain. I typed in ‘Punctuation for Dumies’. It was a very long day.”

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“As I have said before, I carry a rather large purse. I walked into an office building carrying my usual enormous purse. I passed by an elderly couple, and pushed the elevator button to go up. The man was in a wheelchair and the woman was standing next to him, probably waiting for a cab. Just as the elevator doors opened and I stepped inside I heard him say, “Good, Lord, Mildred! Is that her purse?”

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“I just realized that the closest I’ve come to working out lately is downloading and printing my gym’s schedule of group exercise classes, reaching up above my laptop and attaching the schedule to my bulletin board with a push pin. That’s just sad”.

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“When you drop an entire packet of Splenda — paper and all — into your coffee, your coffee is no longer splendid.”

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“I bought a pair of earthy-crunchy, vegan TOMS shoes online because they were cute and because my purchase would provide a pair of shoes for a child in need. I tried them on and thought the style made my feet look old. I was about to package them up to return them when a sudden chill of complete panic hit me. I thought, ‘If I return the shoes will a child in need still get a new pair? Or, worse: would they give a pair of nice, new shoes to a child in some remote, lifeless wasteland only to rip them out of his or her tiny, little hands simply because I thought these shoes made my feet look old?’ Luckily the website had already addressed my concerns and said that after 60 days TOMS assumes the buyer will keep the shoes and then gives a pair to a child. ‘Once shoes are given to a child, they are their shoes. We would never take back a given pair.’ I tried them on again and decided to keep them. The shoes didn’t make my feet look old. My feet ARE old.”

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“‘Twas the night before Thanksgiving and I was happily chopping fresh vegetables, parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme. I grated nutmeg, and fresh organic orange rinds. I sautéed parts of the turkey that I can’t talk about or I’ll gag (again), and then deglazed the pan with chicken stock, reducing it until I had created perfect, aromatic gravy. After everything was cooked, cooled, and cleaned Richard came home and said, ‘Wow! It smells so good in here! It smells like bleach!’”