This morning it occurred to me why there are so few Jewish football players. Each Jewish football player has a Jewish mother. Jewish mothers don’t like when their kids get hurt whether they’re playing T-ball or even if they’re in the NFL.
Watching Jay Cutler get destroyed toward the end of the Bears game yesterday, much like The Scarecrow in “The Wizard of Oz”, I kept thinking, “His poor mother.” He just came back after suffering a concussion a few weeks ago and now his legs are over here, and his arms are over there, and don’t even talk to me about what those mean men on the other team did to his neck!
I think I speak for all Jewish mothers when I say, “That’s enough, Jay! Look, you just got married, you have an adorable little son, you’ve had a long career in football (even though I would have preferred it if you had become an accountant), and your injuries are killing me.”
“I have always believed in you and that’s all that matters, right? Stop messing up your Shana Punim and getting all this Farcockta Astro Turf up your nose. And, excuse me, but as much as I like this Lovie Smith (who names their kid ‘Lovie?’), he’s such a Maven? Genug with this Mishegoss, already.”
“Jay, listen to me. You have a bright future ahead of you in sports as a commentator, or a coach, or maybe even a Lawyer for a sports team. Oy! I’m Kvelling!”
“Listen, Jay, you’re a Mensch, I can tell. I understand if you want to finish out this year. It’s still possible for you to take da Bears all the way to the Super Bowl. I know you have to finish what you started. But, please get that offensive line to do their job and keep you safe. Those pieces of Dreck! As my Grandmother Eva, may she rest in peace, used to say, ‘They should only croak.'”
I know that ALL mothers cringe when one of their children gets hurt, but Jewish Mothers worry about their kids and your kids, too. So please don’t go Hocking me and Kvetching if you’re offended.
For definitions, please go to http://www.bubbygram.com/yiddishglossary.htm