As Seen on TV Mad Blobs

I stayed on the sofa, frightened by the look in Richard’s zombie-like (plural nounsphincters. I had never seen him so (adjective) fudgy before.

He (verb, past-tense) square-danced over to the (noun) geezer and dialed the 1-800 number we’d just heard on the (noun) throw rug.

A (noun) Sara Lee Pound Cake must have answered because I heard Richard say in a (adjective) moist voice, “I must have the Citrus Express!”

citrusexpress“It will be here in (number) 12 to (larger number) 136 weeks.” he said. I had always found this particular As Seen on TV commercial hilarious. I mean, wouldn’t you think that after getting squirted in the (body part) nostril  over and over the woman would stop trying to (verb) wave her grapefruit with a (adjectivematchy-matchy spoon?

I realize the advertisers are trying to make a  (noun) yacht, but come on!

When The Citrus Express arrived I didn’t dare (verbblow dry  the package because I didn’t want to deny Richard the (noun) adversity. After all, he had already purchased (number)  6,000 pounds of grapefruit. I didn’t want to (verb) moisturize on his (noun) incarceration.

I admit I was  just a bit (adjective) bulbous about the purchase but, by the same (noun) step ladder I didn’t want grapefruit juice (verb)  snowblowing  into my eye, either.

The As Seen on TV  ads were kind of (adjective)  pretty  and since I had two young (plural noun) hippies, I was always looking for  (plural noun) tutus to make life easier. After all, those two (plural noun) dingleberries spent a lot of time hanging off of me.

One of the TV (plural noun) outhouses promised me perfect hamburgers, while another assured me (adjective) itchy (pulral noun) toads, and, really, who wouldn’t want that? Plus, I was becoming convinced that I needed a storage unit made of (noun) shawarma that fit (adverb) slowly under my bed.

Richard ripped open the (noun) gasket containing the Citrus Express, and then carefully (verb, past tense)  bounced  several  grapefruit in the kitchen (noun) garbanzo bean.

“Well, (exclamation) Betcha by golly wow,” I said to Richard. “It works! And you didn’t get a drop of grapefruit juice in your (body part)  armpit!” He kept cutting up the  (plrual noun) manequins into perfect little (plural noun) cell phones, and we all just sat there (verb, past-tense)  discombobulated by the  magic. The kids actually tried the grapefruit and (verb, past tense) went sky-diving because they liked it so much.

I was thrilled that, because of The Citrus Express, my family would now eat more (plural noundinosaur toes, and would finally have an  (adjective) abnormal diet! Plus, it was an (noun) oyster cracker  to clean because it was dishwasher (adjective) purple.               .

Then came the commercial for Boca Towel Clips! A woman was trying to (verb) ruffle  her towel so she could enjoy a day at the beach, but it just kept (verb) twitching down her (noun) crayon.

Could this woman possibly look more annoyed?

Could this woman possibly look more annoyed?

bocatowelclips

Enter a man on a white (animal) peacock, with the answer to all her (plural noun) bowling balls; Boca Towel Clips! She smiled at the very (adjective) short man. He smiled back and his teeth actually (verb, past tense) shuffled.

She thanked the handsome (noun) toaster and said, “I’m so happy that my towel won’t (verb) flatulate in my face ever again!”

I thought it was the most (adjective) dysfunctional ad yet,  until we all went outside on a (adjective) silly day, and couldn’t keep our towels from sliding down our (plural nounBarbie dolls. Sometimes the wind would even (verb) soil them off our chairs completely. “Well, ” I said, “I guess we do need those towel (plural noun) tonsils after all.” So, I went to (location) Tiffany and bought a few sets. Much to my (noun) aquarium, they really did work.

The day I found Zoomies at the store, in the  As Seen on TV (plural nouns) sheep aisle, I was absolutely (adjective) spasmodic! According to the package, they can be worn just like regular  (plural nounmotorcycles!  Zoomies are like binoculars that you wear, leaving your (plural noun) paper shredders free so you can birdwatch while doing your (plural noun) taxes!

IMG_1752Now that I wear hearing aids, nothing makes me act like a (noun) Duck-billed Platypus more than being able to hear, but not (verb) hit a woodpecker. Zoomies are going to change my entire  (noun) bathtub!

So far, it has  been a (adjective) smelly spring, so the dogs and I haven’t been able to spend much time outdoors. But, usually those (plural noun) zebras and I spend the whole day out in the (place) Alcatraz. I bring out my computer and they love to  (verb) roller-skate after (plural noun) snails, or nap under the shade of a (noun) Rabbi.

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I know I look (adjective) respledent in them, but I don’t care. If it ever gets to be (number) degrees, again, we’ll have one (adjective) hilarious summer.

Note: I don’t want to get  (adjective) smooshed by using the real name of a word game that drives me Mad, in a good way, so I just made up my own version of  the (noun) Jonathan Towes.

It took (number) 800,000 hours to (verb) potty-train this post because I had to make up my own template. So, as (verb) mystifying as this experience has been,  I doubt I’ll be writing any more of these (plural noun)  taco shells  in the near (noun) uvula.

12 Comments

  1. This is (verb?) extremely hard to follow and understand (Verb?) for a second language learner. Me confundi! I guess I have to learn to play the game.

    • I know. It was hard for me, too, and English is the only language I know!

  2. hilarious and brilliant )

    • Wow! Thanks, The Other Beth! I thought it would be fun, but I was so glad when I finally felt happy enough with it to let it go. My brain hurts!

    • My brain is so confuffled I thanked The Other Beth twice and don’t think either of them ended up beneath her comment! Going back to bed.

  3. Loved this! Thanks!!!

  4. Hilarious Leslie. Did you use the hat method for selecting the word for the part of speech you needed. Or did you just go up and down the list to find the most outrageous word.

    • Wow! Thanks, The Other Beth! I thought it would be fun, but I was so glad when I finally felt happy enough with it to let it go. My brain hurts!

    • Hi, Jerry!

      I tried to use mostly words that had been submitted, but added a few, here and there.
      Thank you for submitting the most words!

  5. LOVE this one!

  6. As usual you have outdid or out done? yourself with this one I wonder if you could do it again???? It was beyond imagination and goofiness? is that a word but in your case everything is a word. Loved this but as in your description of Downton Abbey I didn’t understand one word of it but that’s what makes you soooo good.
    Always one of your best fans……fifteenth cousin 30 times removed Marcia

    • Thanks, Marcia!

      Outdid, out done, tomato tomaaaahto. I would love to do another Mad Lib story, only next time I won’t make it as complicated as I did by combining something that deserves its own column like “As Seen on TV.”