Armed and Extremely Klutzy

So, I says, I says, “Mugsy! They’ll never catch me now! 

Mugsy, “Whatdayoumean, boss?”

So I says, “Listen Mugsy! I’ll tell you why they’ll never catch me. I got a system.”

“A system, Boss?”

“Yeah, I got a system. See, first I grabbed that potato and I whacked him good!”

“Yeah, boss? Whadyado then?”

 

 

 

 

“Well, he slipped away but I whacked him anyway. Only I whacked my tumb instead.”

“What happened, Boss?”

“I gotta get my daughter, you know, that curly-headed one, to take me to get stitches. It

sure was no picnic.”

“Sorry, Boss.”

“Well, I wasn’t going to let a potato get the best a me, so I grabbed a jicama.”

“A jicama? What’s a jicama, Boss?”

“Nobody knows, Mugsy, Nobody knows. Is it a

potato that tastes like an apple, or an apple that

tastes like a potato? It’s anyone’s guess.”

“So whadyoudo, Boss?”

 

 

“I figure, this jicama is gonna be a lot harder than that potato, so I says to myself that I

better use a carrot peeler.”

“How’d that go, Boss?”

“Not so good, Mugsy. Not so good. I hacked at that jicama real good, ya know, like I

always do, but that guy kept trying to get away.”

“What happened, Boss?“

“Mugsy, if you’d shut your fat trap I’d be telling you instead of answering all your

stupid questions.”

“Oh, ok, Boss.”

 

“So, like I was sayin’,  I tried to grab that apple-potato thing, but he twisted and turned

just as I went at him with the peeler, and I peeled my fingertip instead.”

“No offense, Boss, but you’re kind of a klutz.”

“I knows, Mugsy. I knows. But, that’s not the whole story. I went for the foil. I wanted to

rip him to shreds, ya know, so’s I can wrap up all those vegetables, neat and nice, like. So,

I pick up the foil and rip it off real good.”

“Really, Boss?’

“No. Not really. I mean I did rip the foil, but not good.”

“Boss, I don’t understand.”

“Mugsy,  you don’t understand nothin’.”

“Isn’t that why you hired me, Boss? To make you look good, cause I gotta tell you, with

the way this story is goin’, you ain’t comin’ out like a champ.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, Mugsy. And you’re right, that’s why I hired you. I gotta have

someone dumber than me to take the heat offa me, ya know?”

“I know, Boss. I don’t care.”

“You know, Mugsy? It was harder to find someone dumber than me.”

“I knows, Boss.”

“So, anyways, that foil stabbed me in the back.”

“Really, Boss?”

“Well, not exactly in the back, Mugsy, but it got me good right in the pinky finger.Well, it

musta got that pinky real good ‘cause it started bleedin’ all over the place. I mean it was

like a faucet.”

“Boss! The kinder!”

“Right, right, Mugsy. So, the curly-headed girl, ya know, she just had a operation, so she

could do nothin’ to help. So she calls the other curly-headed kid, ya know, the one

with the beard? And he comes in to help. He tells me, ‘Hold that pinky over your head in

this paper towel, just like this. I’m gonna take a shower. When I get back, if this here

bleedin’ don’t stop, I’m takin’ you to the hospital.”

“Good, kid.”

“I knows it.”

“So?”

“So, meanwhile, that curly-headed girl, she calls my friend Rosie to come over to da

house to be her babysitter, on account a she had dat operation and all. She don’t want to

be alone if the other kid gotta take me to the hospital.”

“So, Boss, did the bleedin’ stop?”

“Yeah, Mugsy it did. Rosie gives me a wet paper towel instead of a dry one. Sees, you

gotta use a wet one ‘cause the dry ones stick to the blood and as soon as you take it off,

you’re spoutin’ like Old Faithful again.”

“Wow, boss, that Rosie is smart.”

“Yeah, she’s a doll. Anyways, it worked. The bleedin’ stopped by the time the curly-

headed one with the beard got outta da shower, bada bing, bada boom, I don’t need to go

to no hospital for a little pinky situation. And dat’s my system.”

“I still don’t get it, Boss.”

“Ya see, Mugsy, they can’t catch me no more ‘cause my system is I only got two

fingerprints left on that hand.”

‘Good plan, Boss. Maybe you should rough up the other hand, too.”

“Mugsy,  dat is a brilliant idea. I don’t even have to try ’cause you know it’ll happen

sooner or later, no madder what.”

“Dis is true, Boss.”

“But, ya know what, Mugsy? Just to be on da safe side, I’m gonna give up trying to beat all

them vegetables into a pulp.”

“Really, Boss?”

“Yeah, Mugsy, they tougher than me, so I came up with a new idea.”

“What’s the new idea, Boss?”

“I’m gonna eat meat.”

 

 

 

 

 

Epilogue:

“And dats how I became a born-again carnivore. The good doc says my levels of irony had dropped so low I lost my hair, and kept dozing off at my computer durin’ the day while I was wrtin’. So, I start takin’ these pills full a irony, and vitamin C. Plus the good doc tells me I gotta eat red eat meat, which I do not like. So I tries eatin’ it after something like 20 years of not eatin’ it, and you know what? It’s delicious. I’m eatin’  cows and lambs, and licking my fingers after licking those chops. And that doc, he know what he’s talkin’ about ’cause I gotta say, I don’t plant my face in my computer as much anymore, and my hair is growin’ back like weeds. Tanks for listenin’. You’s good people.”

Very Sincerely, truly, yours,

Da Boss

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