As Seen on TV Mad Blobs

I stayed on the sofa, frightened by the look in Richard’s zombie-like (plural noun) sphincters. I had never seen him so (adjective) fudgy before.

He (verb, past-tense) square-danced over to the (noun) geezer and dialed the 1-800 number we’d just heard on the (noun) throw rug.

A (noun) Sara Lee Pound Cake must have answered because I heard Richard say in a (adjective) moist voice, “I must have the Citrus Express!”

“It will be here in (number) 12 to (larger number) 136 weeks.” he said. I had always found this particular As Seen on TV commercial hilarious. I mean, wouldn’t you think that after getting squirted in the (body part) nostril  over and over the woman would stop trying to (verb) wave her grapefruit with a (adjective)  matchy-matchy spoon?

I realize the advertisers are trying to make a  (noun) yacht, but come on!

When The Citrus Express arrived I didn’t dare (verb) blow dry  the package because I didn’t want to deny Richard the (noun) adversity. After all, he had already purchased (number)  6,000 pounds of grapefruit. I didn’t want to (verb) moisturize on his (noun) incarceration.

I admit I was  just a bit (adjective) bulbous about the purchase but, by the same (noun) step ladder,  I didn’t want grapefruit juice (verb)  snowblowing  into my eye, either.

The As Seen on TV  ads were kind of (adjective)  pretty  and since I had two young (plural noun) hippies, I was always looking for  (plural noun) tutus to make life easier. After all, those two (plural noun) dingleberries spent a lot of time hanging off of me.

One of the TV (plural noun) outhouses promised me perfect hamburgers, while another assured me (adjective) itchy (pulral noun) toads, and, really, who wouldn’t want that? Plus, I was becoming convinced that I needed a storage unit made of (noun) shawarma that fit (adverb) slowly under my bed.

Richard ripped open the (noun) gasket containing the Citrus Express, and then carefully (verb, past tense)  bounced  several  grapefruit in the kitchen (noun) garbanzo bean.

“Well, (exclamation) Betcha by golly wow,” I said to Richard. “It works! And you didn’t get a drop of grapefruit juice in your (body part)  armpit!” He kept cutting up the  (plrual noun) manequins into perfect little (plural noun) cell phones, and we all just sat there (verb, past-tense)  discombobulated by the  magic. The kids actually tried the grapefruit and (verb, past tense) went sky-diving because they liked it so much.

I was thrilled that, because of The Citrus Express, my family would now eat more (plural noun)  dinosaur toes, and would finally have an  (adjective) abnormal diet! Plus, it was an (noun) oyster cracker  to clean because it was dishwasher (adjective) purple.               .

Then came the commercial for Boca Towel Clips! A woman was trying to (verb) ruffle  her towel so she could enjoy a day at the beach, but it just kept (verb) twitching down her (noun) crayon.

Enter a man on a white (animal) peacock, with the answer to all her (plural noun) bowling balls; Boca Towel Clips! She smiled at the very (adjective) short man. He smiled back and his teeth actually (verb, past tense) shuffled.

She thanked the handsome (noun) toaster and said, “I’m so happy that my towel won’t (verb) flatulate in my face ever again!”

I thought it was the most (adjective) dysfunctional ad yet,  until we all went outside on a (adjective) silly day, and couldn’t keep our towels from sliding down our (plural noun) Barbie dolls. Sometimes the wind would even (verb) soil them off our chairs completely. “Well, ” I said, “I guess we do need those towel (plural noun) tonsils after all.” So, I went to (location) Tiffany and bought a few sets. Much to my (noun) aquarium, they really did work.

The day I found Zoomies at the store, in the  As Seen on TV (plural nouns) sheep aisle, I was absolutely (adjective) spasmodic! According to the package, they can be worn just like regular  (plural noun) motorcycles!  Zoomies are like binoculars that you wear, leaving your (plural noun) paper shredders free so you can birdwatch while doing your (plural noun) taxes!

Now that I wear hearing aids, nothing makes me act like a (noun) Duck-billed Platypus more than being able to hear, but not (verb) hit a woodpecker. Zoomies are going to change my entire  (noun) bathtub!

So far, it has  been a (adjective) smelly spring, so the dogs and I haven’t been able to spend much time outdoors. But, usually those (plural noun) zebras and I spend the whole day out in the (place) Alcatraz. I bring out my computer and they love to  (verb) roller-skate after (plural noun) snails, or nap under the shade of a (noun) Rabbi.

I know I look (adjective) respledent in them, but I don’t care. If it ever gets to be (number) 4 degrees, again, we’ll have one (adjective) hilarious summer.

Note: I don’t want to get  (adjective) smooshed by using the real name of a word game that drives me Mad, in a good way, so I just made up my own version of  the (noun) Jonathan Towes.

It took (number) 800,000 hours to (verb) potty-train this post because I had to make up my own template. So, as (verb) mystifying as this experience has been,  I doubt I’ll be writing any more of these (plural noun)  taco shells  in the near (noun) uvula.