Leslie Jo Chase Archives - Page 15 of 22

September 27, 2014

The Lady Bug Village

Many years ago when my kids were small I bought a Lady Bug Village. It was an adorable little duplex made of wood with handy little indoor Elfa* shelving units designed for the special Lady Bugs in your life. They could burrow in for the winter, and frolic in the nice weather.

The Lady Bug Village came complete with a bag of “Lady Bug Lunch,” and a bottle of a pheromone-based solution called “Eau de Lady Bug.” There must be Manly Bugs in the Lady Bug world, and the pheromones in the spray must encourage mating. The only thing missing from that set-up was a Barry White CD.

I nailed the box to the fence in the backyard, added a scoop of food, shpritzed a few drops of “Eau de Lady Bug” around, and waited for my guests to arrive.

Weeks went by and the village remained uninhabited. “Maybe they’d like something besides Lady Bug Lunch,” I thought to myself as I added a few raisins and apple slices to entice them.

Eventually, the rotting fruit combined with the Lady Bug Lunch and spray attracted bees, natty little flies, and mosquitoes, but no Lady Bugs. Every day that flew by without a Lady Bug caused me to develop a severe case of Jewish Mother Syndrome, a thought process that’s not good for anyone, and apparently doesn’t work on Lady Bugs.

“Why won’t they visit me?” I sat in the dark in a rocking chair, barely moving from my little spot where I had an unobstructed view of the Lady Bug Abode through the window. “That’s gratitude for you,” I thought to myself. “I go and get them the very best box and the most expensive food and pheromone spray, and this is how they repay me? They don’t call, they don’t write. Not even a flyby.”

After weeks of waiting for Lady Bugs to find the villa, to no avilla, I went back to the hardware store to see if I could spend even more money to try to lure those ungrateful little shits. I spotted nothing until my eyes landed on bags of real live Lady Bugs.

Buying Lady Bugs, instead of being able to attract them naturally, felt a little bit like cheating. But, I built it, so they had to come, even if I had to buy them.

When we got home, I sprinkled Lady Bug Lunch, and sprayed Eau de Lady Bug in their little cottage, and on nearby shrubs and bushes. The moment had finally arrived! My hands were shaking as I untied the burlap bag and sprinkled my new little friends in and around their new home.

We were going to be so happy together. I felt like borrowing all of Veronica’s stuffed animals and setting up a little table and chairs so we could celebrate their arrival with a proper Lady Bug Tea Party.

But, I didn’t. Not because I suddenly became in touch with reality, but because I figured the poor little things were all tuckered out from their long day and needed a night to settle in and get comfortable.

I sat quietly on a patio chair and watched them meander around their new ‘hood for about an hour. The kids would be home from school soon, and I needed to start cooking dinner.

I bade the Ladies a fond goodnight, promising I’d come out to see them in the morning. There’s a slight chance I told them if they needed anything during the night that I was just inside the bigger house next door, and if they could figure out how to knock or ring the doorbell, I’d come running.

After the kids left for school in the morning, I ran outside in my jammies and slippers to the Lady Bug Manse, bringing their Lunch and sex spray with me, in case they were running low.

“I bet you’re all hiding inside snug as a bug in a rug,” I said, because none of them was on the bushes or shrubs. I peeked inside, ever so quietly so as not to disturb their slumber.

Not one lousy Lady or Manly bug was home. I figured they waited until dark, ate, drank, had an orgy, and took off. How could they do such a thing after I made such a nice home for them? Why? And they didn’t even leave a note?

I hoped they’d come back in the spring, but they didn’t. Ever. Eventually I ripped that old, rotted, piece of wooden crap off the fence and threw it out along with their expensive, stupid food, and sex spray.

All I can say is those Lady Bugs didn’t know how good they had it. They probably got eaten by other bugs, or even birds. I would have never let that happen to them, those invertebrate ingrates.

A few springs later I went back to the hardware store, but this time I brought home a hammock. I balance my computer and Phoebe on it with me while I “work.” I also bought a birdfeeder. Birds don’t turn on you and they always eat, which every Jewish mother loves to see.

*The Container Store has yet to return my repeated calls to validate this statement.

This is an edited version of an article I wrote that was published in skirt! Magazine (in print and online) in May, 2000.

September 19, 2014February 17, 2015

Listen Up! Hike 4 Better Hearing Saturday, September 20th!

I’m 53 years old and have worn hearing aids from Hearing Health Center for the past two years. I was told I needed hearing aids when I was in my 30’s, but refused to believe it.

People who meet me, or even those who have known me for years, don’t know I wear hearing aids because they’re barely visible. But, as I love to say now, “I wouldn’t care if they were the size of ear muffs because my life is so much better now that I can hear.”

In my 30’s and 40’s I noticed I had trouble understanding what people said. When I began to annoy MYSELF by asking people to repeat themselves, I developed a very convincing head nod, hoping I wasn’t agreeing to babysit a friend’s tarantula for the weekend.

I went for periodic hearing tests and promptly tossed the ENT doctor’s written recommendation into the trash when I got home. I was not going to get hearing aids.

I had a quiet upbringing. I worked at a clothing store, a grocery store, and a bank throughout high school and college. After graduating college, I was hired as a copywriter for the Sears Catalog. I sat in a large room full of other writers in cubicles. On a daily basis, the noise level in that room reached the fever pitch of a library.

If I had worked in a steel mill, operated a jackhammer, or directed airplane traffic on an airport tarmac, I would be able to understand my hearing loss better. I was never the drummer or even a backup singer/dancer for a loud rock band on tour, but I’m not giving up that dream anytime soon.

Two years ago, when my kids and husband became, let’s just say, a little impatient with my inability to hear them, I agreed to have another hearing test. A new Hearing Health Center had just opened in our area, so I made an appointment to go there instead of my ENT.

When I called, the receptionist suggested I bring along someone whose voice I knew well, so of course I asked my friend Rosa, who has a slight Argentinian accent and sometimes speaks in Spanish instead of English, to come with me.

After a thorough exam and test by the audiologist, I was told I had severe hearing loss in my left ear and moderate to severe loss in my right ear. Idiopathic nerve damage was slowly robbing me of the ability to hear, and to differentiate between consonants. (Over time, mixing up consonants made for some very funy converstations.)

As you can imagine, I took that news about as well as if I’d been told I needed five root canals – – without Novocaine. The audiologist placed amplifiers on my ears to give me an idea of what hearing aids could do for me. I heard doors squeaking as they opened and closed. I heard the traffic outside the office.

But the loudest sound I heard was coming from Rosa who was sitting next to me playing with a candy wrapper. It was so annoying I finally asked her to stop. She and the audiologist looked at each other and smiled.

At first I didn’t understand why they were smiling. But slowly I understood. I could hear.

Not just another pretty face, that Rosa. She had been playing with the candy wrapper before the amplifiers were placed in my ears, but I didn’t hear it. The audiologist told her she was brilliant for coming up with that idea.

Recently I purchased a Phonak ComPilot, a bluetooth device with a microphone. When I wear it around my neck, I can receive and make phone calls complete with caller ID. I can also adjust the volume of my hearing aids, and listen to music streaming from my phone or MP3 player directly through my hearing aids.

When I remove the necklace from the ComPilot and set it down on a table or next to my yoga mat, I can adjust it to block out background noise and just focus on the voice i want to hear.

Sometimes I sing out loud along with the music in the middle of the produce aisle at the grocery store because only I can hear it. I don’t care if people look at me sideways because it’s so much fun. Many people have asked me how they can get a ComPilot. I just giggle to myself and tell them, “I’m sorry, but you need to wear hearing aids to get one of these.”

hike-png

As an unofficial spokesperson, and an extrememly grateful client, I want to help spread the word about what The Fisher Foundation does. Established in 2008, by Dr. Ronna Fisher, Au.D., the owner and founder of the Hearing Health Center, the Fisher Foundation strives to “increase the accessibility, affordability, and public awareness of hearing health. The Foundation’s mission is to enhance the quality of life through better hearing.”

Dr. Fisher says, “We don’t want finances to be the reason someone cannot hear. That’s why we are holding our first annual Hike 4 Better Hearing. Funds raised will be used to help people obtain hearing aids at low or no cost.”

Tomorrow’s event will offer the public the chance to meet many hearing aid company representatives, as well as the audiologists from Hearing Health Center. There will be raffle prizes, snacks, and the opporuntiy to schedule a FREE hearing test at one of Hearing Health Center’s four locations.

If I were you, and I had trouble hearing, I’d schedule a free hearing test. Your life will only get better from there.

September 16, 2014

Woman who dislikes shopping suffers retail injury!

Throughout history, the females in my family have had a genetic predisposition for shopping. They were also blessed with strong constitutions allowing them to stand for hours examining their reflections, looking for perfection. And then they’d go out to lunch.

The love of shopping and going out to lunch skipped a generation. With few exceptions, I don’t enjoy either. But my daughter Veronica does, so, don’t worry Mom! There’s hope.

My method of shopping is launching and flinging items I need, (and some things just because they’re shiny) into my cart, whipping out my Target REDcard, going home and taking a much-needed nap.

Eventually I return what doesn’t look good, keep what does, and, almost always keep the shiny objects.

Last Saturday Richard asked me to accompany him to Macy’s because he needed a few man-things. Here’s where I make an exception: if it means spending time together, I’ll do it. Am I great, or what?

As soon as we walked into the store, I came to an immediate stop in my super-cute, glow-in-the-dark Asics. My eyes glazed over and I felt “that hippy vibe” I sometimes get. Richard knows that look. He’s seen it many times, and knew it meant one of three things: a Free People sale, an Eileen Fisher sale, or an immediate need to find the closest ladies’ room.

The vibe was strong that day, my friends. I knew I was in the vicinity of a Free People sale because I became a combination of a truffle-sniffing pig and a drooling, German Short-haired Pointer closing in on a pheasant. It’s a gift. It’s not pretty, but it’s a gift.

Yes, I know I went with Richard to spend time with him, but as he saw the drool begin its slow descent from my mouth to the floor, he said he’d be fine on his own and would come find me when he was finished.

Being the gentleman he is, he handed me a tissue doused in Purell so I could wipe away the drool and look presentable as I ascended the escalator.

As the escalator arrived at the second floor, I almost squealed with joy. There they were: racks and racks of flouncy, feminine, ”Leslie-style” Free People clothing….all on sale!

I didn’t waste time. I went from rack to rack shoving items into the crook of my right elbow for an hour straight. After a while the items became heavy and my arm was stuck in a permanent bicep-curl, but I wasn’t going to let a little pain deter me from my mission.

Without dropping a single item, I even army-crawled my way beneath racks of Calvin Klein plus-sized jeans in search of “misfiled” Free People merchandise. Hey, I’m a professional.This wasn’t my first time. I know what people do.

I’m not accusing anyone of anything, but honey, if you think you can hide a garment from me so you can come back tomorrow with the coupon you left on the kitchen counter this morning, you obviously have no idea with whom you are dealing.

Not a single salesperson was roaming the floor to stop me from bringing more than six items into the dressing room. Score!

After lugging 100 pounds of clothes into the fitting room, nearly tearing my right tricep muscle, I only fell in love with two tops. I hung everything else up on a rack in the fitting room area because, as my mother always told me, “Clean up after yourself when you go shopping because one of the salespeople might be one of my friends.”

If the mood strikes, and I can use my right arm again soon, I might go back to look around again.

Or, I’ll just go to Target and launch and fling things into my cart using my left arm, which I can do because I’m semi-ambidextrous, a nice perk while my right arm heals.

I never really had a good reason to explain why I don’t like shopping, but now I do: it can be dangerous.

girl-w-broken-arm — Thankfully, I’m mostly a lefty!

My sister, Beth, keeps telling me I have to add her to my posts, so here you go, Beth:

Beth is the prettier one. Beth is the prettier one…

September 6, 2014September 6, 2014

‪#‎ALSICEBUCKETCHALLENGE‬

Thank you, Robert Bershadsky, for nominating me to do the #ALSIceBucketChallenge. I donated to ALS, and made this video all by myself using iMovie. Lucas Korengold edited and produced the final product. Thanks, Lucas! (You’re so hired!)

Per not the rules, I didn’t complete the challenge and post my video within 24 hours, but — you know me — I’m always late! Per the rules, I’m nominating some of my favorite people:

Rick Williams:

Rick is a PGA Professional, the U.S. Campaign Manager at RetailTribe, the creator of the website http://www.rickwilliamspga.com/, and blog http://mindbodygolf.wordpress.com/. I’ve never met Rick, but am always inspired by his incredibly positive way of looking at everything – – even multiple knee surgeries! Rick’s enthusiasm for life, family, work, golf, and cooking is infectious and I’m grateful to have found him online. The part in the video where I nominate Rick ended up on the cutting room floor, but I mention his first name at the end of the video.

Sharon (“Bubbles”), Michelle, Marc, and Gregg Lavin:

When my family visited my grandmother in Palm Springs, California every year, the Lavin family used to drive in from Encino and rent the condo next door. I loved having so many other kids to be with. Sharon and I were the closest in age and eventually became partners in crime. One night we had the brilliant idea to pour an entire bottle of Mr. Bubble in the Jacuzzi, just to see what would happen. It was such a brilliant idea that we got grounded. Creating a blob of bubbles that crept up to other peoples’ condo doors was awesome, but kids, don’t try this at home!

Leora Sapir:

Leora Sapir and I grew up across the street from each other. She was never afraid of anything; I was not so brave. In May, 2000, Leora, who had come in from California, happened to be at our house when a Microburst blew through town. We lost power as the wind ripped 100-year-old trees attached to their 100-year old roots out of the ground and played Frisbee with them. I tried to act like it was the kind of thing that happened all the time so Leora wouldn’t think I was a wuss. But, when Leora said, “Leslie. We need to go to the basement NOW,” I realized if Leora said we needed to go to the basement, we really needed to go to the basement.

Rick Williams, Sharon, Michele, Marc, and Gregg Lavin, and Leora Sapir, I can’t wait to see your videos posted all over social media, and, if you can, please post a link to your video in the comment section of this website for all to see. Thanks for joining me in the fight against ALS by taking the ‪#‎ALSICEBUCKETCHALLENGE‬ !