This Tooth Shall Pass, by Leslie’s Evil Twin

Leslie’s Evil Twin, here. As soon as she went outside to continue her ongoing battle with the buckthorn trees in her back yard, I decided to appoint myself her guest blogger, and ran off with her computer to write from a secure, undisclosed location. I also posted the video above for your enjoyment.

Leslie has been told she’s too nice, and I quite agree. I’m taking over today because everything isn’t always rainbows, unicorns, and puppies, like she seems to think.

For instance, Leslie had been going back and forth to see her beloved dentist (I’m not a fan) for several months because of pain in one tooth. After x-rays and much probing, he found nothing wrong and just kept adjusting her bite with a power-sander.

This fuster-clucking went on way too long, in my opinion, but I’m evil and have no patience.

Recently, Leslie had an appointment for a routine teeth cleaning. Since that tooth still hurt, her dentist took x-rays and said, “That tooth needs a root canal.”

Leslie sat in disbelief. I almost punched that dentist in the teeth.

She was sent to an endodontist that same day. The endo found a 10 mm pocket in Leslie’s gum next to the bad tooth, and an x-ray revealed an abscess and raging infection. Leslie was told to take antibiotics for a week and then come back for the root canal. Oh, and the endo also told her the tooth might be fractured, in which case it would need to be pulled.

At this point, and I give her credit for this, Leslie e mailed her beloved dentist to ask him why she couldn’t just have the tooth pulled if it might be fractured anyway.

He urged her to follow the endo’s recommendations. Me? I would have staged a sit-in at the oral surgeon’s office until he knocked me out and yanked it. But, Leslie? She does what she’s told. What a wuss.

A week later, Leslie showed up for the root canal.The endo told her she would look for a fracture with a microscope, and if it wasn’t cracked she’d commit full-fledged root canal. If the tooth was cracked, she’d send Leslie to the oral surgeon so he could remove the tooth.

Leslie’s tooth had three canals. Most teeth have two. But, if you know Leslie, the exception to the rule is her “normal.” She’s working on a book called Defective: Memoirs of a Medical Mutant because she was born with one of these and two of those. Luckily, most of the mutations took place on the inside. I would have liked it if she had two noses, or three ears, but I wasn’t allowed any say in her biological makeup.

Figuring the procedure was about to begin, Leslie closed her eyes and waited for instructions. When none were given, she opened her eyes, and like a scene from a scary movie, saw the masked endo standing over her, holding a needle the size of a Sailfish spear attached to a vat of Novocaine.

At this point, Leslie finally grew a pair and said, in the nicest possible way, “Excuse me, but would mind telling me what you’re going to do before you do it?”

“I don’t talk while I’m working,” the endo said. Leslie shot the endo’s assistant a look of fear and nausea. The assistant said, “Don’t worry. I’ll tell you what’s going on.”

Two hours, and another shot of Novocaine later, the endo removed all the hardware covering Leslie’s face and put her seat back to it’s full, upright position.

“The tooth is dead,” the endo began. I laughed. She continued, ”I’ve rooted the canals and filled them. Keep taking the antibiotics four times a day, and don’t chew on that side for the next four weeks in case there’s a fracture.”

Did someone say fracture?

Leslie managed to squeak out, “I thought you said the tooth wasn’t cracked!”

The endo said, “I said I didn’t SEE a crack.”

Can we back up here for a second? If Leslie had known the now root-canaled tooth in question was at risk of imploding in her mouth at any moment, she would have been been helioported to her oral surgeon’s office to have it yanked.

If she ends up needing to have the tooth extracted, Leslie’s going to have to fork over big bucks to the endo, AND pay the oral surgeon to remove said dead tooth.

Since there nothing she could do about the situation and her face was still numb, Leslie went to the grocery store and bought anything she could slurp, sip, swallow, or boat-motor with her nifty hand-held blender doo-hicky, for the next few weeks. Aside from the occasional drool hanging off the side of her mouth, she looked pretty normal – – for her.

Later, when the anesthetic wore off, Leslie was only able to open her mouth about as well as if I had Gorilla-taped it shut. She’s been sticking to her baby food diet, but the tooth still bothers her. I think the tooth will need to be pulled. And I think that’s hilarious.

Disclaimer: “Tarzan Boy” is the legal property of the New Wave Italian band Baltimora, comprised of Jimmy McShane, Maurizio Bassi, Giorgio Cocilovo, Claudio Bazzari, Pier Michelatti, and Gabriele Melotti. lesliejochase.com claims no rights to the song whatsoever.

Video produced by Lucas Korengold

August 6, 2014

Open the Pod Bay Doors, Pal

“I’m sorry, Leslie. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

Writing my blog is easy. Using a computer is not. Sometimes I long for my old Smith-Corona electric typewriter.

I recently opened my laptop, and after making frightening whirring and groaning noises, it hocked a big, fat error loogie onto the middle of the display.

I knew from experience that anything I did to try to fix it would make it worse. So, I packed up my computer and headed to Best Buy to speak to a Geek.

After 20 minutes of frantically inserting disks into my computer and typing faster on my keyboard than an airline clerk, the Geek slowly looked up from my keyboard and said, “I’m sorry. I did everything I could.”

Best Buy could place the computer’s data onto an external hard-drive, and re-install Windows 7, but it was already being backed-up 24/7 buy Carbonite, a magical company headquartered somewhere over the rainbow in a fluffy cloud in the sky, so I declined.

The next morning I called and spoke to a magical Carbonite lady who explained she didn’t possess the powers to crack the error message code on my computer screen, but assured me all of my data was safe in the cloud floating on a magic carpet.

She told me to call Microsoft, who told me to call tech support of my computer’s maker. I won’t divulge the real name of the company, and will instead use discretion and refer to it as Caca & Co. (is it technically libel if it’s true?)

Best Buy calls its tech-support the “Geek Squad,” Apple calls its Mensa- membered staff “Geniuses.” I think Dingleberries is a polite name for the tech-supportlessness people at Caca & Co.

I was assured by the Dingleberry I spoke with at Caca & Co. that he could definitely fix my problem. Finally!

I was offered three different plans:

1. A one-time fix with a three-day guarantee for $99.99;

2. A 15-time fix for a year for $199.99;

3. A multi-device two-year plan that would fix any and all devices in the house for $299.99. Yes!

I did everything the Dingleberry asked of me, none of which worked. I told the Dingleberry I decided against their two-year plan after they couldn’t deliver on their current promise. He put me on hold while he spoke with the Supervisor of all Dingleberries (SAD.)

The SAD picked up the phone and informed me I’d be notified within several business days if I qualified for a partial refund.

Um, no.

I politely told him he couldn’t fix my problem as promised and I expected a refund. I also said I wouldn’t be satisfied within the next three days, either. End of discussion.

I dialed American Express, pronto, only to discover Caca & Co. had already charged my account. But American Express has great customer service. The charge will be disputed, especially because I told Caca & Co. that I changed my mind during the exact same phone call. (Good to know. Write that down!)

My computer guru, Matt, will re-align the planets, as always. I bought a Mac, which I was planning to do anyway because my computer is old, and once it’s fixed, I’ll use it for storage. Macs are supposedly “idiot-proof,” and with Apple’s “one to one” customer service, I can hang out at the Apple Store all day. But not all night. I was asked to put my sleeping bag back in my car.

Here are a few suggestions in case you ever find yourself needing tech-support:

1. Never assume the gender of the person helping you. Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish exactly what IT is. No, I don’t want to talk about it.

2. We’re old. Your salesclerk won’t understand your reference to the Rock Opera “Tommy” when you say you’re hearing impaired while searching for your reading glasses.

3. Don’t make references to nouns only people our age will understand. The Genius at Apple didn’t laugh when I said, “Porsche. There is no substitute,” ala “Risky Business” upon spotting an accessory made by Porsche. One look in his eyes revealed only a news-ticker of algorithms.

4. Get your Geeks and Geniuses straight. You wouldn’t order a Big Mac at Burger King, or a Whopper at McDonald’s, so remember this: Best Buy has a “Geek Squad”; Apple has “Geniuses.”

If that’s all you take away from this blog, I will feel I have done a public service.

July 17, 2014July 17, 2014

The Silver Linings

Terry, my mother, my sister, our family, and friends will never be able to understand or accept losing our two favorite people, especially within 19 days of each other.

But, we can tell Norman’s jokes, if we can remember them and (even harder) tell them as well as he did. And, we can eat and enjoy every single morsel of food, especially if it involves peanut butter and/or chocolate.

The man even ate Iguana once. My parents were vacationing in Mexico and at dinner one night my father ordered the #7, not knowing what it was. He told me he had said to the waiter, “This meat is very good! What is it?” The waiter said, “Iguana.” My father said, “It tastes like chicken!” I’m not sure if he kept it down, but he was an adventuresome eater who truly savored food, as well as family, friends, and life.

And, we can honor Paul by dancing like no one’s looking, telling jokes, laughing, knowing not to take ourselves too seriously, being present and in the moment, learning and trying new things such as whittling, playing the banjo, and cutting down a dead tree with a chainsaw from inside a rowboat in the middle of a pond (well, perhaps that’s not such a great example! Mom, it never happened!)

Paul wasn’t afraid to live life. He and Terry hiked mountains, went caving, traveled the world, and enjoyed every single thing they did together; even splitting firewood with an ax for the wood-burning stove that warmed their home.

When Paul decided he wanted to learn how to ski, he went to the top of a mountain in Utah. He didn’t waste time on “bunny hills.” There are many more things I could say, but I will keep my promise that I’d never tell my mother about them.

We can also strive to quietly achieve at least one or two of Paul’s qualities of which there are too many to list, but very few people innately possess. He was kind, gentle, humble, non-judgmental, generous, funny, knew what the meaning of the word “fair” was, and diplomatically tried to make the world a more fair and better place. He was that rare person we were all lucky enough to know and will never forget.

Paul’s friends and colleagues in Indiana would like to hear from his friends, family, and classmates. Only you have the insight into what it was like growing up with Paul.

I was much younger than Paul, and much, much younger than Beth, so I don’t remember much, except that I thought he was really cool. And he had the best hair. And, he was the only person I’ve ever known who could ride a unicycle around the block while juggling.

Please read the message below and respond directly to Jesse Kharbanda

Share Your Reflections, and Learn More

If you would like us to add a tribute that you’ve written about Paul’s life or have any thoughts or questions about the Paul M. Chase Memorial Prize, please reach Jesse Kharbanda, Executive Director of the Hoosier Environmental Council, at jkharbanda@hecweb.org

Contributions to the Paul M. Chase Memorial Prize can be made at:

hecweb.org/paulchase

Thank you,

Terry Briner, and the rest of Paul’s family
Home » Paul Chase Prize

Paul Chase Prize

Paul Chase was a great advocate, lawyer, son, partner, brother, uncle, cousin, and friend. In his more than thirty year career as a lawyer and advocate, Paul stood up for the chronically ill, the disabled, the elderly, and the financially struggling. He advanced the causes of affordable energy, climate change action, civil rights, consumer rights, health care access & affordability, and renewable power. Paul’s remarkable abilities, character, humor, and warmth were widely appreciated by the entire breath of the Indiana public interest community (as seen by the tributes below), including our organization. Paul, our treasured personal friend and professional colleague, was tragically taken from us, due to a car accident, on June 25, 2014.

In celebration of the life of a true champion of social justice, the Hoosier Environmental Council has established the Paul M. Chase Memorial Prize.

HEC aspires for the Memorial Prize to be not only an annual honor to a worthy young Hoosier who follows in Paul’s footsteps, but a fund for a modest annual scholarship. We are very thankful that this Memorial Prize has the blessing of Paul’s beloved partner, Terry, and that our announcement of this honor at Paul’s memorial service on July 2nd provided comfort to Paul’s family overall.

If you would like to donate to the scholarship fund, please go to our Donation page and write “Chase Memorial Prize” in the comments box of the Donation page. If you would like to give a general gift to HEC in memory of Paul, please write “in memory of Paul Chase” in the comments box. In either case, we will notify the Chase Family of your thoughtfulness and your generosity.

Learn More About Paul’s Life and His Great Impact

Our treasured friend

Fran Quigley, a law professor and long-time advocate for social justice, wrote a tribute in the Indianapolis Star, and Shelia Suess Kennedy, a prominent political commentator and law professor, wrote a piece about Paul here. John Cardwell and Nancy Griffin, champions for health care access and affordability, write of Paul in the Indianapolis Star. Mike Leppert, long engaged in the Indiana political scene, shares his thoughts about Paul. Many mini-tributes for Paul can be found at the Shalom Memorial Funeral Home page as well as in this Indianapolis Stararticle.

Share Your Reflections, and Learn More

If you would like us to add a tribute that you’ve written about Paul’s life, write to us at comments@hecweb.org, Subject: Paul Chase.

If have any thoughts or questions about the Paul M. Chase Memorial Prize, please reach Jesse Kharbanda, Executive Director of the Hoosier Environmental Council, at jkharbanda@hecweb.org.

July 11, 2014

Today’s Guest Blog: Twice The Rejects, Triple The Fun!

The winner of today’s “Guest Blogger Sweepstakes” is Austin Hodgens, creator of The Return of the Modern Philosopher, Deep Thoughts From the Shallow End of the Pool.

The Return of the Modern Philosopher

Deep Thoughts from the Shallow End of the Pool

http://moviewriternyu.wordpress.com/

Austin is also a screenwriter, and monologue joke writer for The Nite Show With Danny Cashman, the top-rated late night show in Maine.

Please follow, “like,” and comment on blogs I share, if you don’t mind, while I take a break (here and there) to go on a quest to find my “funny” again.

Some of you might be aware that today is usually “Fro-back Friday,” but we’re going waaaaay back in time to last Sunday, July 6th for this gem from Austin.

Thank you!

~Leslie

Posted on July 6, 2014 by Austin

TWICE THE REJECTS, TRIPLE THE FUN!

Happy Sunday, Modern Philosophers! Hope you are having a wonderful weekend.

Last night, two new episodes of The Nite Show With Danny Cashman were televised in Maine. The reason for this historic double shot was because the network accidentally aired a rerun last week.

With two shows on the airwaves, there were twice as many monologue jokes written by your favorite Modern Philosopher on the TV for your comedy pleasure.

As always, there were jokes that didn’t make the cut, and I am going to share some of them with you now. May I present The Rejects…

The annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest was held yesterday on Coney Island. As always, the real winners were anyone who chose to not watch the event…

Hope everyone had a happy and safe Independence Day. Governor LePage visited numerous holiday barbecues, and when asked if he was out campaigning, the Governor downed another hot dog, wiped the mustard from his face with the back of his hand, and replied, “Ummm, yeah, campaigning. That’s why I’m here…” as he muffled a burp.

On Independence Day, we celebrate our independence from England. If our forefathers hadn’t won the Revolutionary War, we’d probably be driving on the left hand side of the road. Ironically, that was what everyone in the Penobscot County Jail Drunk Tank was arrested for doing last night…

Snoop Dogg is performing in Portland next week. Snack bars at the venue hope to break the all-time sales record for a Maine concert, which was set just two weeks ago when Willie Nelson performed in Bangor…

Yesterday was the Fourth of July. If you still have all your fingers, that means you were extremely careful when lighting fireworks, and you kept clear of Governor LePage while he was eating all that barbecue…

On this date in 1983, the New Jersey Devils purchased the Maine Mariners as their farm team. Man, that team sure has gone to Hell ever since…

Hope some of those made you laugh. The fourth show from the last taping won’t air until the first week of September, so this will be the last of The Rejects for two months.

If you live in Maine, I hope you watch The Nite Show when it airs on Saturdays. Even if you don’t live in Maine, you can support the show by liking its Facebook page, or by following it on Twitter @TheNiteShowME.

Thank you all for supporting me in my quest to write the funniest monologue jokes for the top rated late night show in Maine! Thanks to Danny Cashman for the opportunity!

Leslie, here! Want more Austin? (I mean, who doesn’t?)

Please frequent his blog at http://moviewriternyu.wordpress.com/ early and often!