Blackhawks Rules are in Effect!

You can probably tell by looking at the pictures of Richard standing in front of the green screen at the Blackhawks Store at “tree-tirty-tree” N. Michigan Avenue, we’re huge Chicago Blackhawks fans.

Niklas Hjalmarsson!
Niklas Hjalmarsson!
Patrick Sharp!
Patrick Sharp!
Andrew Shaw!
Andrew Shaw!
Patrick Kane and  Jonathan Toews!
Patrick Kane and
Jonathan Toews!


Notice what Richard is wearing?
Notice what Richard is wearing?

Because we are such big fans, we have big rules. Our Blackhawks rules, as stated below, have been agreed upon by all parties who live in our household:

1. No Chicago Blackhawks merchandise may be purchased during the entire season. If one receives a gift of a Blackhawks item, it must immediately be confiscated by a family member who shall wrap it, and then hide it in the garage for the remainder of the season. Addendum: If one receives a gift purchased or procured at The Madhouse on Madison, the rules do not apply, and said gift may be displayed on our Blackhawks Wall of Fame.

Our Chicago Blackhawks Wall of Fame
Our Chicago Blackhawks Wall of Fame

2. We try to watch hockey together as a family, and will DVR the game if Richard is running late. However, if Richard knows he will miss an entire period, a Delay of Game is granted beforehand so that we may begin to watch the game without him.

But, stop it right there! Until he has fast-forwarded to catch up to the live game, no one may speak, make direct eye contact, check the app, or be anywhere near his aura. He claims he will know how the Hawks are doing by the tone of our voices, the looks on our faces, and patterns of our brain waves.

2 a. So as not to draw a penalty, Lucas and I checked with The War Room in Toronto and were granted a Power Play: If Richard will miss an entire DVR’d game, we may watch the game without him.

After the game, Lucas and I quickly retire to our respective locker rooms before Richard gets home so as not to divulge any clues he will most definitely detect by sensing our heart rates, and/or reading our minds.

3. During power plays, Richard sits on a stool placed just to the side of the TV and yells at the players, telling them what to do. His record is most impressive. Therefore, when the team listens to him and scores on the power play, Richard must remain on the chair for the remainder of the game.

Richard's Power Play Stool
Richard’s Power Play Stool

4. There is another chair of utmost importance: “The Grandma-Elija Chair,” named for the chair my mother was glued to (we really did glue her to the chair!) during a Hawks playoff victory. That chair has not been moved, and shall remain in place for the rest of the season, whether Grandma’s tush is in it, or not.

The Grandma-Elija chair
The “Grandma-Elija” chair
While my mother sat in the "Grandma-Elijah" chair, I remained in the kitchen eating chicken thighs. Why?  Because it was working. Here I am, on the floor, stuffed with chicken. We do whatever it takes.
While my mother sat in the “Grandma-Elijah” chair, I remained in the kitchen eating chicken thighs. Why? Because it was working. Here I am, on the floor, stuffed with chicken. We do whatever it takes.

5. When things are going in our favor, everyone must continue to do whatever it is they were doing, and sit wherever they were sitting, barring extreme bathroom emergencies.

6. Speaking of extreme bathroom emergencies, my friend, and Phoebe’s in-house physical therapist, Patti Triola,  is THE most loyal Blackhawks fan I’ve ever met. Patti rescues and rehabs Dachshunds, who are prone to back problems. All dogs in her house, whether they’re her own, or patients, must wear Hawks shirts during the games.

Patti works on Phoebe's Bassett foot to keep it strong and flexible
Patti works on Phoebe’s Basset foot to keep it strong and flexible

If you think our rules are strict, wait until you hear Patti’s:

1. No barking

2. No passing of gas

3. Dogs must wear “man pants” (diapers) because bathroom breaks are only allowed between periods. Apparently Dachshunds have bladders the size of Dachshunds.

Patti Triola's Dachshunds and patients wearing Blackhawks gear and "man pants"
Patti Triola’s Dachshunds and patients watching a game in their  Blackhawks gear and “man pants”

Everyone knows our Blackhawks rules, so Veronica waited until between periods to send us this text:

"So...I'm engaged!"
“So…I’m engaged!”

Our mothers didn’t call to congratulate us until after the game.

As of the publication of this post, the Chicago Blackhawks and the Tampa Bay Lightning are tied two games to two in the Stanley Cup Finals. Do I think the Blackhawks have played their best hockey? No. 

Spoiler alert:

Or, I should say, not yet. 

I think they’ve been chasing the Lightning around the arena, causing them to lose opportunities when they do have possession. The Hawks just need to start playing their game. Slow it down, set it up, and slam it in. Lightning has already struck twice. I don’t think it will happen again.

I don’t want to give the Blackhawks a “kenahora,” so, poo, poo, poo a million times (I spit through my fingers onto a paper towel as I say this. I’d spit through my fingers while typing, but try explaining THAT to the guy at the genius bar!)

If all goes as I predict, we will win the next two games straight and reclaim the Stanley Cup at the Madhouse Monday night. And, best of all we’ll get to hear Jim Cornelison belt out The National Anthem while the flag “was still there,” and “yet waves,” one more time this season.*

*Or twice, in case I mis-spat.

Special thanks to my mother, Lorraine Chase,

for being my proofreader extraordinaire.