Forgive me, O Steam Room

Forgive me, O Steam Room, for I have abstained from thee.

It has been four long months since I last opened your formidable, yet hallowed door.

This is my confession.

I have strayed from your righteous vapors. Though I know thoughts and intentions meaneth nothing to you, nor do my words, since you are, with all due respect, an inanimate object, I did, with pure heart, pack my gym bag this morning determined to beg for your salvation.

Yea, though I walk through the locker room of perfect bodies, I will fear no embarrassment, for thou welcomes all shapes, sizes, and races. Thy warmth and the meticulous, friendly cleaning staff at Equinox, they comfort me.

After the practice of yoga, I shed all of my clothing and bathed in the gently falling waters of the shower to purify myself, until I felt cleansed, but not pruny, before crossing your threshold.

So, whilst I have no offering, such as even a spriglette of eucalyptus, I reveal myself to you, albeit tightly wrapped in a  towel, because I seek your redemption; not your repulsion, and pray that you will absolve me of the pain of the pulled muscles in my Gluteus Maximus.

O, what a miraculous thing Thou art, for I can now receive breath through my right nostril once again. My mind has been cleansed and my thoughts are clear; yea, clearer than my mind has been for so many scores of years.

I feel as if every pore of my body has been relieved of the toxins in life, and those who seek evil upon me. I feel loose, but not in a bad-girl sort of way.

I feel unburdened, now, as if the impurities in my body have been lifted out by thee. And, yes, O yes, I feel five pounds lighter.

It would be untrueth of me to promise to partake in this ritual daily, even though my heart, Gluteus Maximus, and sinus cavity beseech me.

I beg for your absolution for my Act of Contrition. So, I will say these words, unto you, O heavenly Steam Room, “So that you might anoint my head with steam, I’ll be back. Maybe not tomorrow, but sooneth.”