The Roomba Strikes Back

A few days ago, on a shelf far, far away, I battled my height in an effort to obtain a rug. What I didn’t know was that an evil menace was hiding on top of it, waiting to strike.

I reached up carefully, so as not to cut off my hand’s circulation, and was excited that I was able to begin pulling it down.

And that’s when it happened: I was attacked by a Killer Roomba.

12 years earlier, when it was no longer able to detect and eat even one strand of dog hair, we’d placed The Killer Roomba on the shelf of crap we no longer need, instead of getting rid of it. Because I am vertically challenged, I didn’t see the Roomba lurking on top of the rug.

Recently, I discovered and purchased Bob, or, as he’s known by his full name, the bObsweep PetHair Robotic Vacuum. Bob is awesome.

Even after 12 years spent in hibernation mode, the Roomba must have sensed there was a new droid in town. I thought I heard Bob say, “It’s a trap!” But, realized Bob can’t speak. Or can he?

Using its last ounce of evil power, the disgruntled Killer Roomba propelled itself from the shelf of crap. With the strength of a prizefighter it smacked my right jaw, nearly knocking me out.

Immediately I felt pain in my jaw, and an odd zing traveling from my brain to my lower back causing a severe headache, and excruciating pain in my lower back.

Of course I was home alone, so the first thing I did was cry like a girl, which I am, so I’m allowed.

Then, as usual, I performed The Injury Assessment Body Scan. It’s kind of like “The Force” for non-Jedi.

Only professional, perpetual klutzes possess its ability to go deep within oneself to perform a mental x-ray, if you will, to determine if said injury requires immediate attention, can wait exactly three hours, overnight, or requires no medical attention at all. It’s a gift that comes from years of practice, and I’m a pro.

After the attack, all I wanted to do was go to sleep, but because of the zing extravaganza that had simultaneously traveled up and down my spinal cord, I thought it best to stay awake.

We were going out for dinner that night to celebrate Veronica’s birthday, and I was not going to miss it due to a Killer Roomba with a grudge.

Thankfully, the Injury Assessment Body Scan was negative. I was able to move my jaw, the headache went away with a couple of Tylenol, and a hot bath in Epsom Salts cured the back pain.

I also iced both sides of my face because, even though the right side of my face took the brunt of the hit, the left side of my jaw hurt, too. The last thing I wanted was to be out for dinner with one side of my face looking like a chipmunk storing food for the winter.

I felt fine. Until the next day, which was New Year’s Eve morning. The Injury Assessment Body Scan only works at the time of the incident. It cannot predict how one will feel the next morning, but scientists are working on it.

My face didn’t hurt (but it’s killing you, ha, ha, ha.) I could barely make it up or down the stairs, or walk without whimpering. Richard had to go to work, but before he left he emptied and loaded the dishwasher, let the dogs out and fed them, and made sure I was as comfortable as I could be. His nice behavior was more frightening than the injury.

Lucas had to leave for work, too. With Mom still at Whitehall recovering from a fall requiring hip surgery and a cast for a broken wrist, I knew I couldn’t call her if I needed help, but, I’m lucky to have a sister who would drop anything for me, and a network of the best friends a person could ask for.

But, I didn’t need to call anyone. One of the best things about having kids who have moved out but still surprise you by coming over to do laundry, is that Veronica showed up at 8:00 A.M. One of our family’s orthopedic doctors could see me, so she offered to drive me. I will let you know when the ribbon cutting ceremony takes place for the Chase/Korengold wing of their office.

Apparently, I had sprained my back in an unsuccessful attempt to avoid getting bitch-slapped by the Roomba. The doctor prescribed non-drowsy, long-acting, but slow-releasing muscle relaxers that eventually kicked in. After spending most of the day stooped over like 900 year-old Yoda, I was able to reach a full-standing position.

Because of the pain, I haven’t been able to go to yoga classes, or visit Mom at Whitehall. The most exciting thing I did this past week was spend a day polishing my nails. Yes, it took an entire day.

We had to miss a very groovy New Year’s Eve party, so we rang in 2016 by watching The Chicago Blackhawks beat the Colorado Avalanche in overtime.

The Killer Roomba’s sinister plan worked, but nearly a week later my back feels much better. The only residual issue is I keep having dreams of Ewoks dancing in my head, and nightmares of Jar Jar Binks just being Jar Jar Binks.

JEDI Ice Skating

For as long as I can remember, we’ve gone ice skating at Watts Ice Center in Glencoe the day after Thanksgiving with our friends, also known as The Buddies.

I became an honorary Buddy when I married Richard in 1986. They’re his friends from elemenary through high school who adopted me as one of their own, even though I grew up in Highland Park.

Since many of the usual characters were unavailable to participate in this year’s annual skating event due to disturbances in The Force, such as knee surgeries, bursitis, and sinus infections, a new Alliance was formed, calling themselves “Just Everyday Dudes Iceskating,” or JEDI.

Terry,  Richard,  Lucas,  Daniel,  and  Coach  “Sofshu”  Grandmoff   Lorraine.

Since Daniel is from Florida, he took a lot of photos and movies to send to his friends back home who have never seen snow, or an outdoor ice rink. The things we take for granted …

I tried to help by taking snapchats with his phone, but I have no idea how they turned out and, because he’s so polite, he wouldn’t tell me if I ended up snap chatting a tree. By the way, what is a snap chat?

While explaining the difficulty of a triple Lutz to the JEDI, Luke finds Richard’s lack of faith disturbing. Fighting the Dark Side within him, Luke stops short of giving him a Force Choke when Richard keeps repeating, “Luke, I am your father.”




Luke scans the ice for signs of danger. The words of Admiral Ackbar, “It’s a Trap!” keep him ever vigilent.

Fellow JEDI, “Buddy” Williams arrives at the rink, and stealthily glides onto the ice. He scans the perimeter, as Richard prepares to fulfill his destiny by performng a move he refers to as “Warp-Speed-Sky-Walking.” Sadly, it was not Jason Brown “Riverdance” quality.
I have no idea who this Dude is, but I like his “Do. Or Do Not. There is no Try.” swagger.


Luke is pleased with the results of the JEDI Men’s Short Program, even though he wishes he could have recruited Highland Park’s own Jason Brown,  2014 U.S. Olympic Team Bronze medalist and 2014 U. S. Silver medalist.




Daniel prepares to execute a flawless Tountoun Spin.

Pleased with his performance, Daniel smiles at his adoring fans.  The Force is strong in this one.
Before entering hyperspace, Richard and Terry skate another round on the Planet Watts.
Terry flashes his signature smile, driving the fans wild!
Overall, Luke is happy with the JEDI’s efforts, and ready to board the Millennium Falcon with them to return to their home planet, Highland Park.


Daniel, Terry, Lucas, Richard, and “Buddy” relax after a great day of skating, with Coach “Sofshu” Grandmoff Lorraine.



This post was originally a photo album I made for Facebook.  Since not every person in this galaxy, or even galaxies far, far away, uses Facebook,  I turned the photo album into a post for my website. The Force is strong in this one (me) because my husband, Richard, has been an avid Darth Vader collector since the very first movie was released in 1977. One must know the ways of  The Force when married to one whose alter ego is Darth Vader.