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Since the beginning of March my body has been taken hostage by a devious virus that comes and goes as it pleases, doling out upper respiratory symptoms, one at a time.

Everyone I know has had it in one form or another.

Why do I call it “devious?” Because it waits until you think you’re feeling great and then hits you like an anvil from a “Road Runner” cartoon with a new symptom, sending you back to bed.

When the drops for the infection in my right ear eased the pain, I celebrated by stopping at Starbucks for a Venti Soy Chai Latte, my favorite Starbucks concoction. The first sip tasted so good…until I swallowed. Apparently, behind my back, the virus decided to take up residence in my throat. I had no idea it was red and my tonsils were the size of Mini Coopers until the spices in the chai tea gave me my first hint. That’s when my throat began to hurt. The screaming from the pain didn’t help, and hasn’t let up at all.

I’ve gargled with baking soda and apple cider vinegar. I’ve made tea from fennel seeds, oregano, lemons, ginger, whole cloves, cinnamon sticks, and cayenne pepper. When you add honey, everything tastes good. A shout out to my friend, Juliet, whose mom says cayenne pepper cures all: I’m sorry to tell you, she ‘s right.

I won’t go into all the anatomical details, but I have been more misled by this virus than any boyfriend I ever had in high school.

A new plague has arrived, just in time for Passover.

My throat hurts all the time, but gets especially painful when I speak, so, I’ve taken a solemn vow of silence, like a wayward Jewish nun, hoping my throat will heal faster. Plus whenever I get a throat infection, I get a Minnie Mouse voice. It’s so freaking adorable.

Because this plague appears to enjoy handing out symptoms, I’ve had nothing but time, and germs, on my hands. I’ve come up with lots of ideas for blog posts, but no energy to write them.

But, recently I said, in my Minnie Mouse voice to someone, or, possibly, no one, the dogs, or myself, “There’s a new plague in town,” which gave me the idea to change the lyrics to “New Kid in Town,” by Eagles.

On YouTube I found an amazing channel: RockWillNeverDie95 https://www.youtube.com/user/RockWillNeverDie95, hosted by, “a teenager who listens to classic rock. Pretty unusual, eh?”

I feel much better, and am on the mend…I think. This plague cannot be trusted.

If you’re not familiar with the song “New Kid in Town,” or even if you are, click on the arrow and listen to the song as Eagles intended. There’s no video; just the album cover of Hotel California.

Go back and start the video over and then scroll down just beneath this paragraph so you can sing “There’s a New Plague in Town,” using my lyrics over the real ones.

I hope you enjoy my version, and I can’t wait to read your comments!

“There’s a New Plague in Town” (sung to the tune of Eagles “New Kid in Town”)

There’s cough in the streets; it sounds so familiar.

You’re so symptomatic, everyone’s avoiding you.

People you meet, they all seem to shun you.

Even your old friends treat you like you’ve got the flu.

Contagious virus, the new plague in town.

It hit you and left you, but still hunts you down.

You look in her eyes; her mucous begins to flow.

You’re finally healthy, she sneezes, you run.

But after a while, she’s looking quite sickly.

It’s those guilty nights with her you spend.

Contagious virus, the new plague in town.

Will you still love her when she’s hocking up phlegm?

There’s so many germs she’s gonna give you.

But night after night,

You’re willing to hold her, just hold her,

Snot on your shoulder.

There’s cough in the streets, it’s there to infect you.

It doesn’t really matter, there’s nowhere to run.

You’re walking away, but the germs stalk behind you.

They will never give up, until you cannot help but succumb.

You had it just lately, and now you feel fine.

Everybody’s wheezing, so grab the Purell, or you’re going down.

There’s a new plague in town.

Just another new plague in town.

Ow, ow. Everybody’s got it. There’s a new plague to dread.

Ow, ow. Everybody’s lookin’ like the new Walking Dead.

There’s a new plague in town. Time to visit Walgreens.

There’s a new plague in town. Get some decongestants.

There’s a new plague in town.

There’s a new plague in town.

There’s a new plague in town. Stay home in your jammies.

There’s a new plague in town. Or head out to Miami.

There’s a new plague in town…

RIP, Glenn Frey. Thank you for creating a band whose music will live on forever.

Notes from “RockWillNeverDie95″:

https://www.youtube.com/user/RockWillNeverDie95

Eagles – ‘New Kid In Town’ (lyrics in description)

Category: Music

License: Standard YouTube License